Dating With Autism

Dating is difficult at the best of times, but especially hard when you have autism - as many dating shows will attest. Here is my guide to understanding the special autistic dream person in your life.

Sorry I’ve been slack on the old writing front - I’ve been balls deep in Brian writing my memoir. I’ve somehow managed to (ass)crack Chapter 2 (a previously unfeasible feat) so that is going well and I am excited to see where it leads… which, knowing Brian, could be anywhere.

Today I’m going to write about something that is close to my heart and that is what it’s like to date when you have autism. I thought it would be interesting to write about, especially as autistic women are currently a common niche interest on a lot of dating apps, with more and more manosphere dickheads now listing us in their dating profile “would like to meet”. It took me a while to realise that this is because they seem to think that a “slightly autistic woman” is easier to manipulate than a neurotypical one. Pretty bleak when you think about it. OBVIOUSLY I learned this from personal experience when I matched with a guy last year who had this in his bio. I thought it was cute at first and arranged to meet, then I saw another profile with it, and another… and realised that it was this whole toxic thing, so I blocked the guy and deleted the app. Sucks being the new manic pixie dream girl.

But you know, autism has its pros and cons, which I am sure will differ for everyone as the spectrum is wide and vast and full of many colours, so I can only speak from my own experience. I was diagnosed relatively recently, but it is something I was well aware that I might have for a while. I put diagnosis off because there’s nothing major you can do with it - you don’t get any cool drugs or anything like that - but I sought it out in the end for my own peace of mind. Because I always knew I was a bit different inside and wanted to find out why. Finding out I have it has been eye-opening and like finding the corner piece in a very complicated jigsaw.

I don’t hate having autism. Like I said, it has its benefits and it’s part of what makes me fun, creative, loyal, and kind. Contrary to popular belief, autism isn’t something you can just switch on and off though, and just because other people might not notice it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. As a conventionally attractive woman I have been socially conditioned to… well… NOT have autism, so as a 44-year-old my non-autistic mask is pretty strong. I have learned over time how to fit in, at great hidden personal effort and cost to my sanity. As I’ve gotten older I’ve tended to let the mask slip more, but that does come with its own problems. I do feel like a novelty act sometimes, I burn out easily, and it can be hard to get people to understand that I don’t mean any harm. I find it very difficult to lie and a lot of neurotypical communication revolves around doing just that, so my bluntness can be a bit much sometimes. Most people find my quirks or special interests funny at first, until I overshare or say something that inadvertently hits an insecurity or a core wound and then I am fucked - suddenly I’ve gone from charming to too much. There aren’t many situations where I feel like I can be fully myself unless I am with other people with ADHD or autism, but I think that is a pretty common experience for a lot of people on the spectrum.

One of my guilty pleasures is watching Love On The Spectrum. There is a girl on it, Madison Marilla, who is basically exactly what I would be like if I felt that I could be fully myself. It makes me cry sometimes to watch it, because I really understand how hard it is to be cherished and accepted for who you are. Sometimes I wonder if I should go on a show like that, but as my autism is not super obvious I don’t know how well I would fit in. It’s interesting, because while I know that I am technically disabled and that my autism can make me vulnerable, I don’t really see it that way. I haven’t succeeded in life despite my autism, I’ve succeeded in life BECAUSE of it.

When it comes to dating, I have noticed that a lot of neurotypical dating relies on flirting, subtext, implication, and unspoken rules, whereas autistic communication relies on direct explicit clarity with no hidden meaning. As a result I am not a good flirt, I’m slow to detect jokes or sarcasm, and my main dating stumbling blocks are being overly literal, completely missing subtext, and being slow to recognise and process emotions. I don’t feel emotions in real time. I feel them later. This raises issues because sometimes I will do things without fully thinking them through, or without having the full information that I would need, because I don’t know how to ask for it. Communication for me needs to be explicit and clear, I can’t do grey areas or half in, half out. I’m all in or nothing.

Added to the mix is the fact that I am demisexual - I can only feel physical attraction towards someone that I know - so that pretty much rules out most dating apps for me. I can’t judge if I will like someone by a picture or through a text (least of all a dick pic) and I generally only know if I will like someone by meeting them in real life… but doing that can sometimes leave me open to coercion or manipulation. I learned the hard way last year that it’s not always safe. Don’t get me wrong, I have had good dates, but they are either with people I already know or with new people who are open and communicative and don’t rush anything… which narrows the dating pool somewhat.

So as you can see, dating can be pretty terrifying for me, and because of that I haven’t done a lot of it, but here are my 5 tips for dating an autistic person:

1. EMBRACE THE QUIRKS

Whether it’s ticks or spasms or oversharing, there will be obvious things about us that single us out as being different. These are not necessarily things we can control - and they may even be things that we have been bullied for - so it’s best to roll with the punches and embrace them.

2. DON’T TAKE BLUNTNESS PERSONALLY

We are famously blunt, it comes with the territory. You are going to need a thick skin, because I can guarantee that the bluntness is not meant maliciously. On the flipside, any compliment you get will be 100% genuine, because we can’t give fake ones.

3. EXPECT DIRECT QUESTIONS (THEY’RE HOW WE FEEL SAFE)

Direct questions aren’t for everyone and they can come across as aggressive or rude but they are not intended that way. They are how we seek clarity and clarity is what helps us feel safe. What I have learned is that if a direct question creates conflict, the issue isn’t usually the question.

4. NURTURE SPECIAL INTERESTS

I get it, our special interests may not be yours but they mean a lot to us and are how we bond with other people.

5. BE CLEAR WITH WORDS AND ACTIONS

Again, clarity is key with autism and the more your words and actions match, the safer your favourite autistic person will feel. We track patterns and we know when things don’t add up, so the usual fake ass dating bullshit won’t wash.

And finally… being autistic doesn’t mean I am difficult to love, it just means I need a different kind of love. One that isn’t built on guessing games, mixed signals, or emotional hide and seek. One that is clear, kind, and honest. And if that narrows the dating pool? Good. It means the people left in it are the right ones.

Alex x